Sometimes I feel like nobody cares.

"Notice me, damn it! I exist!" is what I want to shout sometimes.

I mean, I don't like having loads of attention, per say (which doesn't even happen often), but it'd be nice to be noticed sometimes.  I mean, I know I'm not the most popular person.  I'm weird, and kind of an outcast, but I have friends- great friends- but sometimes I wonder if they hang out me because they want to, or because they got stuck with me.  And it's not like this is a recent thing.  I've felt a little excluded my entire life.

When I was younger, I would escape on the internet, and I still do today.  But I seemed to be better at making online friends five or so years ago.  Neopets was my haven.  I made some pretty great friends on there that I felt I could talk to about anything, but I knew my limits.  I never told anyone my last name or where I lived or anything like that.  But then my parents found out I was talking to people online and gave me this entire lecture about how it's dangerous and told me that I should stop, and I guess I was never as good at making friends online again.  Sure, there's some people I talk to, but I feel like nobody actually cares about me.  They just talk to me because I'm there.

And in real life, I feel like my friends don't care sometimes.  I can only remember one instance, in my entire life, of someone asking me what's on my mind.  It was recently, too.  And it wasn't because she had to, but because she noticed that I was thinking hard about something and was curious.  And yes, she is definitely one of my closest friends, and I'm extremely grateful that she cares enough to ask, but no, I did not tell her what I was thinking.  I didn't tell her because I didn't want her to judge me.

I, like everyone else on this planet, have secrets.  Some people can be comfortable with their secrets, and open about them, but that's not the case with me.  I have good friends, yes, but like I said before, I feel like if I tried to tell someone, nobody would care.  And because I've spent my entire life like this- without someone that I know cares about me- I may have slight trust issues.  I don't trust people with my secrets because I'm afraid they won't matter to them.

I'm just sick of being a bump on the log, and I'm sick of people not giving a rat's ass about me.  I fucking exist.  And sure, I don't do anything extraordinary, I acknowledge that, but I do like feeling noticed, sometimes.  I like knowing that someone cares.

Disneyland trips: 5

Books read: 8.5

Current song: Terrified - Katharine McPhee ft. Zachary Levi

EDIT: And yes, I do these blog posts to publish my thoughts to the world, and I have- what? Four followers? And I highly doubt any of you even read these posts that I spend my time typing out.  I wonder, what's the point?